


HOMESTUCK, AN ANALYSIS OF EGO AND THE DEATH OF THE OLD SELF

by sofftskies



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crisis of Faith, Death, Emotional Hurt, Fictional Religion & Theology, Other, Poetry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Trauma, vague implications of abuse
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-27
Updated: 2020-08-03
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 1,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23875873
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sofftskies/pseuds/sofftskies
Summary: a short selection of vaguely ominous and thought provoking sentences put into chapters, introspections and thought processes of how the characters have gone through so much that they are technically just as much someone else as they are themselves. this is about expression and free moving thoughts with nothing pinning them down. inspired by various poetry and especially by floralmarsupial's liminal space comics.warnings: could influence those who struggle with dereality or are effected by messages in second person text. as someone who deals with this myself I feel it necessary to warn others. some chapters may be entirely caps locked.some chapters may strike as more character specific than others. who they represent is up to you.
Kudos: 13





	1. one.

of throwing away preconceptions as you scrabble for purchase, to dig at the old you that was buried and find You Can No Longer Be That Person.


	2. two.

YOU are a tree that has learnt that staying still hurts as much as the wind and have begged your roots be dug up. the corpses your branches shade have already been given what you want. what DO you want?

at the end of the day, all living things need food to survive.


	3. three.

a denial too large to shoulder, that you will carry till it breaks you or till you shatter it yourself. either way, aren't you losing the largest part of yourself? are you willing to destroy such a reality of your life at the cost of who you know you are?


	4. four.

in a moment of stillness, you find yourself back to who you used to be. the comfort is only as palpable as you will allow before you close the door and cover the cage once again. out of sight, out of mind. you don't care if you are the the damsel or the bars of iron, what matters is that what is inside stays. 

it has already been called home. can birds be free again once their wings have been clipped?


	5. five.

you've spent your entire life in bedsheets dreaming of the good of the world, the bright side of the lost coin toss. the silver reeded lining that lies at its edge and how it reflects off the clouds that hang above your head. but don't the silver linings always highlight how dark the world truly is?

## you are SICK AND TIRED OF DREAMING! 

but you are rather tired


	6. Six

SEPTEMBER 4th, 2009

What is love?

Apart from its memetic properties, you could argue love is many things. If you were to go by dictionary definition, love is affection for someone or something, an enjoyment of sorts. If you wanted to be very pedantic, you could list the multitudes of other things that are considered love. A gift, sexual connection, an inquiry as to your wellbeing. Showings of grandeur, perhaps? A performance, a show of your feelings for another on a stage visible by countless other people? Frankly, a flash mob is the least romantic when you interpret it from the side of the giftee, how are you supposed to react to a group of strangers singing and dancing at you about how much someone loves you?

Love encompasses so much it leads me to wonder not what is love, but what isn't? If I know what love is, surely I am at an advantage and could easily parse if someone is withholding their affections from me? Do my own childish frustrations hold me back from recognising certain patterns of behaviour as being affection and not an amusing attempt at passive aggression?

Can you truly know what love is when your system of measurement is tainted by your own experiences and lack thereof.


	7. seven.

when everything is said and done, youve discovered theres one thing everyone says is a fact of life: time travel is not real.

okay well lets just hold the reigns on that one cuz thats just straight bullshit, it doesnt take a few millions of timelines of piling bodies to realize thats a crock of shit made up by people who have their heads so far up their asses they can see out their mouth again. time travel not being real? havent i been doing that already?

time travel is real. it just travels backwards is all.


	8. Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: thank you to @spaceraestuck for checking this chapter for me. ♡♡

Is it better to be alone and never see the skin of another person in real time, or to have a single instance of touch and never feel it ever again? Which one would be considered most painful? I think most people would assume the latter to be most painful, as you have had a taste of what you truly want and have now been stripped of it for eternity. A sort of forbidden fruit, if you will. You could say it's the cost of hedonism, that your choice to indulge has become your ultimate downfall. Or is it better to take on the task of self flagellation, to be alone and never know the feeling? To subdue and bury the ingrained feelings of attachment the human body would need in order to survive. The choice of solitary confinement and ignorance to the experience, or the torture of a moment's bliss to be ripped from you for the rest of your life?

Wouldn't it be cool to see Kant and Hume fight to the death?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Maybe philosophy is best left to those who don't care either way.


	9. nine.

You are completely convinced that you have become a shell of yourself. You could stare at screens and charts and your own eyelashes all day, but it doesn't do to dawdle on the past while you're at it.

You're a shell. Not someone to be, but someone to be projected upon. The scapegoat, the mindless zombie, the blank slate.

You have a job to do and you will do it.


	10. ten.

# a friend told me that its a good thing if your parents are protective of you, to teach you things, that theyre looking out for you, that at least you **have** someone to care about you. i never told that friend what my parents did.

###### god you wish you had someone to care about you.


	11. eleven.

if there was a needle made of glass, then the polar opposite would be a pillar made of stone. the glass feels brittle, set to break at the wrong turn. the pillar roars above, tall and firm. no kick could counter it, no scream could shatter it.

glass reflects what people don't want to see in themselves.

you make the firm choice that you must become the pillar.


	12. twelve.

#  your biggest fear is that one day you will wake up screaming and hear nothing leave your lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CG: DEAR HARLAN ELLISON.  
> CG: EAT YOUR FUCKING HEART OUT.


	13. TG: when i was thirteen...

TG: the price for surviving is that at the end of the day youre still alive  
TG: its this big fuckoff scar bigger than your body that makes up the size of who hurt you  
TG: trauma is an unhealable rot under your skin that just cant be appreciated till youre dead  
TG: and sometimes humour is your only ointment  
TG: but hey you still get to live right?  
TG: thats the winning prize  
TG: and ill be damned if i end up at the museum of osteology

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TG: i dont think they make jars big enough for human bodies yet.


	14. FOURTEEN

YOU SWORE WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD THAT IF THERE WAS A BEING YOU COULD HOLD FAITH TO, HOW COULD THIS PAIN BE IN THEIR PLAN. YOU CURSED HIM, HIS FAITH A CHOKEHOLD, SLOWING YOUR BREATH SO THAT EACH STAR BEHIND YOUR LIDS WOULD PROVE THAT AGONY IS YOUR ONLY WAY TO LIVE.

SHOULD WE ADMIT THAT WHAT HURT YOU WAS PART OF THE NARRATIVE? THAT WE MUST ACCEPT WE ARE ALL COGS IN THE GREAT MACHINE THAT KEEPS THE HANDS TURNING, THAT YOU WERE THE LINCHPIN THAT NEEDED REMOVING?

WHEN YOU BECOME GOD, WILL YOU ACCEPT THE DUTY OF ALTERING THE TRUTH YOU WERE MADE TO BELIEVE IN?


	15. sound mind, unhealthy body

my teeth feel like fire, my eyes ache with the dry air, my head hurts with the chill, my shoulders are tensed by the rain.

bodies brought back to their core elements at the essence of surviving.


	16. sixteen.

light flashes through from the thundering dark outside. a short sigh, pushing from the desk. small quiet steps down a staircase. surveillance with insight.

a kitchen table with nobody sat around it. a living room with no joyous laughter. a foyer with no welcoming hugs and greetings.

a house with no warmth. a house with no light.


	17. seventeen.

### FOMO;

noun, informal

> \- anxiety that an exciting or interesting event may currently be happening elsewhere. often aroused by comments ~~by friends of where they've been,~~ ~~foods they've tried,~~ ~~birthday parties,~~ ~~the cinema,~~ ~~the city,~~ ~~things they have that you will never experience yourself,~~ ~~living vicariously through another~~ by posts seen on social media


	18. eighteen.

something between heaven and hell, a purgatory designed just for you.  
something made for you, then twisted and taken away, out of your own reach.  
you do not get to be you.  
they will be you.  
and when you beg to be you again,  
it will not be your voice that echoes through.


End file.
